I gave you my mind blindness...

"Trusting is most of the times abandoning yourself" ~ Victor Hugo (Les Miserables)

Everything was fine, I would even say everything was perfect between the guy and me. I believed every thing he said. I believed him when he told me he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to marry me, that he wanted everything with me...
It was Saturday, I entered his facebook. I saw it there. He had a girlfriend.
I couldn't believe it! It couldn't be true... What? A girlfriend? Really? What happened to the guy is was thinking of falling in love with? Where was my perfect man? The man of my dreams?
I couldn't find him. I still can't.
I don't know what was true for him, I am about to find out. Tomorrow I will.
I am sad, angry but above all, I am dissapointed. I can't believe it yet. What's worst of all is that he hasn't told me anything yet, instead he treats me as he always has, he continues telling me things that are far beyond normal.
I an dissapointed by knowing he is such a different man from what I thought he was, from what he showed me he was. My Phantom was indeed using a mask, not half of it, but an entire FAKE and horrible mask that fooled me.

What will come now? What will he tell me tomorrow? I don't know... I will go and tell him, I don't care what happens because I am "willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause... To bear with unbearable sorrow... To right the unrightable wrong... To strove with my last ounce of courage..." ... Phantom's Lady*... Or should I say Phantom's Fool?

On my own...

I do not know what to write... I do not know what to believe anymore... I always get these mixed feelings about the whole situation... He has been writting things, things that do not longer look like a single man, or at least like a man who is not thinking of someone... things like "I never knew I could feel this way".. "Because forever reminds short for us"...

I heard a phrase which goes like: "I am crashed, like a bug in the grass", that is exactly how I feel, I like him, I am almost sure he is the one, my true love, the love of my life, but at the same time I feel on my own just pretending he is beside me... I do not understand he is not the kind of guy who says one thing and then he forgets it and says another one or goes with another girl and tells her the same, he is not like that, so I do not get what is happening... He did not tell me one day "Marry your brother!, I won't go on saying these things because you'll go with someone else and I'll be depressed" so the other day he wrote something like he is in love...
I would give everything to understand, to know the truth, but what can I do? Unfortunately... NOTHING... There is one thing I am sure... I will keep on fighting, bearing with UNBEARABLE sorrow, going, struggling, because this is not the end, this is just a hard, beatable battle.... whatever it takes, I will go on, although I may die, faint, fall in the try, I won't stop... Because I may not reach my dream, but at least the world will know that a girl scorned and covered with scars still strove with her last ounce of courage to reach HER UNREACHABLE STAR!!!... Phantom's Lady*
ON MY OWN (Les Miserables)

And now I'm all alone again
nowhere to turn no one to go to.
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy with
the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head.

On my own
pretending he's beside me
all alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me
and when I lose my way I close my
eyes and he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind,
that I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him
But when the night is over
he is gone- the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere the
streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
all my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
a world that's full of happiness
that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
but only on my own

"...God never gives us more than we can bear"

Now has been a long time since I wrote that last entry... What can I say? We continue talking, he continues saying awesome things to me like: "Whoever becomes my brother in law will have found the perfect woman", "I don't know what I like the most; your cruelty or your enigmatic smile", "I prefer 5 minutes with you before dying than water in the desert", "Can you see that you are perfect? and you are also unique in a superlative way" and many, many beautiful things like these...
I truly have found my Phantom, I am almost sure he is the one to become my "one and only true love"...
I didn't write before because it's always the same story and also because I was on a trip while reading a novel... "Life After Phantom: Opera Erotica" by Samantha
The novel is about Erik, the Phantom, after renouncing to Christine when she went with Raoul, a different and unexpected ending to Erik's story. There are some awesome quotations that I would love to use in this entry...(The following quotes come from the novel by Samantha "Life Afer Phantom: Opera Erotica" )

"The daily pain of knowing he would never be with Christine was hard enough to endure"

"I am nothing more than an ignorant man trying to hold onto the woman of my dreams"

"Remember that God never gives us more than we can bear"

Those are just a little taste of the whole novel amazing phrases... They fit my story, totally, let me explain now...
I am sure Erik was feeling worse than bad when Christine (his true love) went with Raoul, I would not know what to do if something happened to my Phantom , who is not my "true love" yet, so Erik... poor Erik...
About holding onto your dreams, your dream love, suits me the best, I am willing to fight, willing to suffer, willing to bear with unbearable sorrow and willing to reach my dream... someday... I will be HIS one and only!
The last quote was such a reminder for me, as a believer... And I think it is true... God gives us what we are able to reach, although it may look impossible, just as mine, God makes us deal with it because he knows it is possible, he knows we can do it... So, in my case, it is difficult to become HIS love, but not impossible...
I will finish this entry with one of my Phantom's phrases, that I recently found out was from a Nat King Cole's song called "When I fall in love"

"When I fall in love, it will be forever; or I'll not fall in love..."

Phantom's Lady*

Something's starting right now...

We hugged, talked, hugged again, we had a picture taken together…I am talking to him right now… He said he adored me and about me he also said: “Like perfection personified?... Picture this; beautiful, intelligent, sportsgirl, ballerina, smiley, emo, “fresa” and PERFECT!!”… I am sure that I am falling, the question now is: Will he fall for me too? Will we find true love together?... A lot of things tell me that we will somehow be together but there are a few little obstacles though… We are many years apart but I believe that if I show myself just as I am, without pretending things, without masks, he will fall for me too… At least this is what he has said since I know him…

He feels something, I am sure, otherwise he would not say all those incredible and unbelievable things… He always says he likes my cheek dimples and my smile, he says he does care about me, he always listens to me, when we talk we always see directly into the other’s eyes… He said he adored his little sister (and he says he does not say that to many people), he would keep me in his house if I was alone, he loves bothering me (as he said... If I bother someone, that means I love him/her)... There has to be something waiting to grow into something bigger here…

"I don’t know how, I don't when but I know something’s starting right now, watch and you’ll see someday I’ll be… Part of his world!!" (The Little Mermaid)

I’m sure something is starting right now… About Raoul? Those 2 guys belong to the past, I was not falling, I did not really like any of them, I might find another Raoul in these years, but until then I will not think of anyone apart from my Phantom… He continues impressing me every single day; he has woken me up with texts twice until now, he alone can make my song take flight and THIS Music of the Night is not over yet!

"Ideals are not dreams, they are lifestyles..."

That's right, I will keep on going on, keep on trying to reach that unreachable star, because "I'll always feel no more than halfway real till I hear you sing.. once more!!!" (LND)... Phantom's Lady*

"Choices" are deceiving...Never give up

I really think I have fallen for MY Erik, he feels something too… He told me “Thank you”… “For what? ”… “For existing”… WOAH! I was totally in shock when he told me that… I’ll keep on fighting, no doubt, but there’s a little problem…
You see, I met these two guys (I’ll call them Raoul from now…), Raoul is my age and he is great, he’s one of my best friends and I care about him, he does too… I don’t know why but I think I’m starting to like him, maybe it’s because my love with “Erik” is banned right now or maybe because THE right time to tell Erik about my feelings is still a little bit far… (2 years from now…)

I believe that my out of this world man, my real passion and my “may become” true love is with Erik, but my earthbound caring and attraction (NOT love, for sure) is with Raoul, just as Christine I am in the middle and I don’t know what to do… Choices are sometimes deceiving... You have to make choices and as you choose, you renounce to many other possibilities...

•Choose ≈ Renounce • “Killing is choosing; one life over another” (Batman: The Dark Knight) … so…Living is renouncing; one person over another…

I know I prefer Erik a million times over Raoul, but I still feel something for Raoul… Waiting is difficult, very difficult. Do you ever feel you have made the wrong decision? What would have happened if you ever did it differently? It has happened to me, it is happening right now and if I give Raoul a shoot I may be unconsciously renouncing to Erik and of course I don’t want to do that… Erik is …HIM!! I mean, I haven’t met anyone like him and I don’t want to give up on trying…

“If I give up, I’ll not get up but if I keep on trying there’s hope” Nick Vujicic

Nick Vujicic is a living example of the Impossible dream he says: “Never, never give up”… I think I’ll do that, I’ll try to renounce to Raoul and think that “there’s always hope”… There’s the hope to find true love with Erik and you know what?... I’m NOT giving up!... Phantom’s Lady*

"Isn't there any Erik yet?"

I am feeling like writing here today...Like a week ago he asked me... "Isn't there any Erik in your life yet?" and I said "Only you..." ... Just kidding I answered "No, not yet :( "
A lot of things have changed a little bit... He is somehow diferent now from how he was on vacations, maybe that is normal, he can not be the same with everyone around... I am sure he feels something for me, not the same as the other girls, but not sure about what will he think when I finally tell him what I feel... I want to be his desired Christine (as he said)...
I wish I was 18 today so I could actually tell him... As I am not 18, I have to wait and see what happens with this feeeling, it may grow and turn into something stronger, it may run dry and stay just as an idea of my "perfect man"... I do not know, but he has totally changed my life; he has changed the way I think about everything, he has showed me that "thought" can lead you anywhere you want, can help you accomplish everything... He is just... HIM...

"Without ideals human evolution would be inexplicable"José Ingenieros

I will keep on dreaming my impossible dreams, and keep on trying when my arms are to weary to reach the unreachable star!! No doubt about it!!


I edited this picture, it is Christine (top left), Erik (bottom right), MY Erik (bottom left), Me, and some of my favorite Phantom quotations...(It has been labeled because if someone known sees this I would probably die...)
According to my obssesion with The Phantom of the Opera and all of that, there are some lyrics down here, Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote the song and it was actually used twice... once for "Learn to be Lonely" and the other one for "No one would listen" (I preffer the second one, sang by Gerard Buttler (Erik, The Phantom) because HE told me about it, was it a subliminal message? haha maybe...but it was a "bang" for both of us) Check them out! Thank you for reading... Phantom's Lady*

LEARN TO BE LONELY// NO ONE WOULD LISTEN
Child of the wilderness// Shamed into solitude
Born into emptiness// Shunned by the multitude
Learn to be lonely// I learned to listen
Learn to find your way in darkness//In my dark, my heart heard music
Who will be there for you, // I longed to teach the world
Comfort and care for you? // Rise up an reach the world
Learn to be lonely// No one would listen
Learn to be your one companion// I alone could hear the music
Never dreamed out in the world// Then at last a voice in the gloom
There are arms to hold you// Seemed to cry “I hear you”
You've always known // I hear your fears
Your heart was on its own //Your torment and your tears
So laugh in your loneliness // She saw my loneliness
Child of the wilderness// Shared in my emptiness
Learn to be lonely// No one would listen
Learn how to love life that is lived alone// No one but her heard as the outcast hears