I gave you my mind blindness...

"Trusting is most of the times abandoning yourself" ~ Victor Hugo (Les Miserables)

Everything was fine, I would even say everything was perfect between the guy and me. I believed every thing he said. I believed him when he told me he wanted to be with me, that he wanted to marry me, that he wanted everything with me...
It was Saturday, I entered his facebook. I saw it there. He had a girlfriend.
I couldn't believe it! It couldn't be true... What? A girlfriend? Really? What happened to the guy is was thinking of falling in love with? Where was my perfect man? The man of my dreams?
I couldn't find him. I still can't.
I don't know what was true for him, I am about to find out. Tomorrow I will.
I am sad, angry but above all, I am dissapointed. I can't believe it yet. What's worst of all is that he hasn't told me anything yet, instead he treats me as he always has, he continues telling me things that are far beyond normal.
I an dissapointed by knowing he is such a different man from what I thought he was, from what he showed me he was. My Phantom was indeed using a mask, not half of it, but an entire FAKE and horrible mask that fooled me.

What will come now? What will he tell me tomorrow? I don't know... I will go and tell him, I don't care what happens because I am "willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause... To bear with unbearable sorrow... To right the unrightable wrong... To strove with my last ounce of courage..." ... Phantom's Lady*... Or should I say Phantom's Fool?

Noster amor vivet semper...

It is been a long, long time since that last entry, about 4 months...
When I look into his eyes I get to see something unexplainable, that kind of sight that is sincere, happy, trustful. That sight that is telling you eveything but at the same time is quiet...
I could stay lost in that sight forever, hour and hours, and the world would be the best place ever. Just him and me, looking into our eyes, knowing that the other is showing one's soul, one's mind, one's true face. Staring, without glancing anywhere else...

We have talked on the MSN and used the webcam often. He hardly ever smiles, but when we see each other through the camera, he just can not stop... We say nonsense things, blabberies, jokes... But joke by joke the truth appears behind...
We do things, well, at least I do things that I would not even think of doing or saying with someone else. And I am sure he is like that too.
Do you remember we said we were "vampires, siblings, gods"? Lately we have been inventing these "attacks" relating the vampire-love-UFFF (exciting) stuff...
I will it in one phrase for you all "Don't say everything you think, but think everything you say" just to give you and idea of that whole aspect...

I love our talks, they are fun, deep, sincere, likeable, exciting... simply AMAZING! I can assure again that We've passed the point of no return...

I wil go on like this, lets see what happens, each day that crawls by I am more sure about this... HE IS THE ONE!

"Supra amor vulgi, noster amor vivet semper" (Beyond any "human" love, our love will live forever)...

On my own...

I do not know what to write... I do not know what to believe anymore... I always get these mixed feelings about the whole situation... He has been writting things, things that do not longer look like a single man, or at least like a man who is not thinking of someone... things like "I never knew I could feel this way".. "Because forever reminds short for us"...

I heard a phrase which goes like: "I am crashed, like a bug in the grass", that is exactly how I feel, I like him, I am almost sure he is the one, my true love, the love of my life, but at the same time I feel on my own just pretending he is beside me... I do not understand he is not the kind of guy who says one thing and then he forgets it and says another one or goes with another girl and tells her the same, he is not like that, so I do not get what is happening... He did not tell me one day "Marry your brother!, I won't go on saying these things because you'll go with someone else and I'll be depressed" so the other day he wrote something like he is in love...
I would give everything to understand, to know the truth, but what can I do? Unfortunately... NOTHING... There is one thing I am sure... I will keep on fighting, bearing with UNBEARABLE sorrow, going, struggling, because this is not the end, this is just a hard, beatable battle.... whatever it takes, I will go on, although I may die, faint, fall in the try, I won't stop... Because I may not reach my dream, but at least the world will know that a girl scorned and covered with scars still strove with her last ounce of courage to reach HER UNREACHABLE STAR!!!... Phantom's Lady*
ON MY OWN (Les Miserables)

And now I'm all alone again
nowhere to turn no one to go to.
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy with
the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head.

On my own
pretending he's beside me
all alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me
and when I lose my way I close my
eyes and he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind,
that I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him
But when the night is over
he is gone- the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere the
streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
all my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
a world that's full of happiness
that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
but only on my own

The same great story... Love & Music

Just told me he would happily marry Sierra Boggess and I was like…. ¬¬ yeah right! I would happily marry Tom Welling, Sean Faris & Nick Jonas too, what you do not know yet is that you will marry me someday… hahaha
Some weeks ago he lend me 3 Phantom of the Opera movie versions I had never seen before… 1925 Lon Chaney’s, 1943 Claude Rains’ & 1998 Julian Sands’… What can I say? I loved them so much! I watched the 5 movies in a row (including 1998 Englund’s & 2004 Buttler’s) What a PHANTOM Marathon! It does not matter the Phantom’s or Christine’s name, the place, the time, they always include the great aspects that make them be THE Phantom’s… Love & Music… If I had to order them from bad to good (none is bad, but I have to make a statement of which one I liked the most) this would be my order…

1943 Rains’…. “He was almost a stranger to me, and yet somehow I always felt drawn to him”
1998 Sands’…. “It is possible that without knowing anything about love I’ve fallen in love?”
1998 Englund’s…. “Now it’s just a matter of what you choose… Love, music they’re forever”
1925 Chaney’s ….” Since I first saw your face, this music has been singing to me of you and of love triumphant! “
2004 Buttler’s….”You alone can make my song take flight, help me make the music of the night”

These last days have been completely amazing, he has told me the same incredible things and even more, he misses me, and obviously I miss him as if I had lost a part of me… Not literally lost because we are still near and see each other but it feels like something is missing… Surely will it be a sign that it is not an obsession, that this is real… I cannot explain this feeling inside, I cannot put him from my mind, I think I am actually falling for him…
I have noticed that he is completely different with me than with other girls, he is much more caring, he hugs me every time we meet, we remember amazing things and talks we have shared, he says he is a jealous brother because of his sister’s suitors, we talk about many things, some are important some other make me laugh of how stupid they actually are…. I am supposed to be Russian and I am a vampire too, we convert each other, we cannot sleep, we want to appear telepathically on the other’s house, we are mad! But that is who I am, and I can be that stupid, smart, changing personality girl when I am with him, and guess what, he said he totally liked me that way! I just remembered a phrase from Samantha's Life After Phantom: Opera Erotica “I think the world of you and that will never change”. That phrase may explain everything he thinks of me. He also told me that being that enigmatic was what made me perfect for him, that he thought a lot of things about me, all good things, but he did not tell me… That may be good for me right?
I will stay like this, the more time passes the more I like him and the more soon I will tell him… Hopefully that time will arrive soon… “Somehow I know, this moment is waiting somewhere in time ...”

"...God never gives us more than we can bear"

Now has been a long time since I wrote that last entry... What can I say? We continue talking, he continues saying awesome things to me like: "Whoever becomes my brother in law will have found the perfect woman", "I don't know what I like the most; your cruelty or your enigmatic smile", "I prefer 5 minutes with you before dying than water in the desert", "Can you see that you are perfect? and you are also unique in a superlative way" and many, many beautiful things like these...
I truly have found my Phantom, I am almost sure he is the one to become my "one and only true love"...
I didn't write before because it's always the same story and also because I was on a trip while reading a novel... "Life After Phantom: Opera Erotica" by Samantha
The novel is about Erik, the Phantom, after renouncing to Christine when she went with Raoul, a different and unexpected ending to Erik's story. There are some awesome quotations that I would love to use in this entry...(The following quotes come from the novel by Samantha "Life Afer Phantom: Opera Erotica" )

"The daily pain of knowing he would never be with Christine was hard enough to endure"

"I am nothing more than an ignorant man trying to hold onto the woman of my dreams"

"Remember that God never gives us more than we can bear"

Those are just a little taste of the whole novel amazing phrases... They fit my story, totally, let me explain now...
I am sure Erik was feeling worse than bad when Christine (his true love) went with Raoul, I would not know what to do if something happened to my Phantom , who is not my "true love" yet, so Erik... poor Erik...
About holding onto your dreams, your dream love, suits me the best, I am willing to fight, willing to suffer, willing to bear with unbearable sorrow and willing to reach my dream... someday... I will be HIS one and only!
The last quote was such a reminder for me, as a believer... And I think it is true... God gives us what we are able to reach, although it may look impossible, just as mine, God makes us deal with it because he knows it is possible, he knows we can do it... So, in my case, it is difficult to become HIS love, but not impossible...
I will finish this entry with one of my Phantom's phrases, that I recently found out was from a Nat King Cole's song called "When I fall in love"

"When I fall in love, it will be forever; or I'll not fall in love..."

Phantom's Lady*

Something's starting right now...

We hugged, talked, hugged again, we had a picture taken together…I am talking to him right now… He said he adored me and about me he also said: “Like perfection personified?... Picture this; beautiful, intelligent, sportsgirl, ballerina, smiley, emo, “fresa” and PERFECT!!”… I am sure that I am falling, the question now is: Will he fall for me too? Will we find true love together?... A lot of things tell me that we will somehow be together but there are a few little obstacles though… We are many years apart but I believe that if I show myself just as I am, without pretending things, without masks, he will fall for me too… At least this is what he has said since I know him…

He feels something, I am sure, otherwise he would not say all those incredible and unbelievable things… He always says he likes my cheek dimples and my smile, he says he does care about me, he always listens to me, when we talk we always see directly into the other’s eyes… He said he adored his little sister (and he says he does not say that to many people), he would keep me in his house if I was alone, he loves bothering me (as he said... If I bother someone, that means I love him/her)... There has to be something waiting to grow into something bigger here…

"I don’t know how, I don't when but I know something’s starting right now, watch and you’ll see someday I’ll be… Part of his world!!" (The Little Mermaid)

I’m sure something is starting right now… About Raoul? Those 2 guys belong to the past, I was not falling, I did not really like any of them, I might find another Raoul in these years, but until then I will not think of anyone apart from my Phantom… He continues impressing me every single day; he has woken me up with texts twice until now, he alone can make my song take flight and THIS Music of the Night is not over yet!

"Ideals are not dreams, they are lifestyles..."

That's right, I will keep on going on, keep on trying to reach that unreachable star, because "I'll always feel no more than halfway real till I hear you sing.. once more!!!" (LND)... Phantom's Lady*

"Choices" are deceiving...Never give up

I really think I have fallen for MY Erik, he feels something too… He told me “Thank you”… “For what? ”… “For existing”… WOAH! I was totally in shock when he told me that… I’ll keep on fighting, no doubt, but there’s a little problem…
You see, I met these two guys (I’ll call them Raoul from now…), Raoul is my age and he is great, he’s one of my best friends and I care about him, he does too… I don’t know why but I think I’m starting to like him, maybe it’s because my love with “Erik” is banned right now or maybe because THE right time to tell Erik about my feelings is still a little bit far… (2 years from now…)

I believe that my out of this world man, my real passion and my “may become” true love is with Erik, but my earthbound caring and attraction (NOT love, for sure) is with Raoul, just as Christine I am in the middle and I don’t know what to do… Choices are sometimes deceiving... You have to make choices and as you choose, you renounce to many other possibilities...

•Choose ≈ Renounce • “Killing is choosing; one life over another” (Batman: The Dark Knight) … so…Living is renouncing; one person over another…

I know I prefer Erik a million times over Raoul, but I still feel something for Raoul… Waiting is difficult, very difficult. Do you ever feel you have made the wrong decision? What would have happened if you ever did it differently? It has happened to me, it is happening right now and if I give Raoul a shoot I may be unconsciously renouncing to Erik and of course I don’t want to do that… Erik is …HIM!! I mean, I haven’t met anyone like him and I don’t want to give up on trying…

“If I give up, I’ll not get up but if I keep on trying there’s hope” Nick Vujicic

Nick Vujicic is a living example of the Impossible dream he says: “Never, never give up”… I think I’ll do that, I’ll try to renounce to Raoul and think that “there’s always hope”… There’s the hope to find true love with Erik and you know what?... I’m NOT giving up!... Phantom’s Lady*