On my own...

I do not know what to write... I do not know what to believe anymore... I always get these mixed feelings about the whole situation... He has been writting things, things that do not longer look like a single man, or at least like a man who is not thinking of someone... things like "I never knew I could feel this way".. "Because forever reminds short for us"...

I heard a phrase which goes like: "I am crashed, like a bug in the grass", that is exactly how I feel, I like him, I am almost sure he is the one, my true love, the love of my life, but at the same time I feel on my own just pretending he is beside me... I do not understand he is not the kind of guy who says one thing and then he forgets it and says another one or goes with another girl and tells her the same, he is not like that, so I do not get what is happening... He did not tell me one day "Marry your brother!, I won't go on saying these things because you'll go with someone else and I'll be depressed" so the other day he wrote something like he is in love...
I would give everything to understand, to know the truth, but what can I do? Unfortunately... NOTHING... There is one thing I am sure... I will keep on fighting, bearing with UNBEARABLE sorrow, going, struggling, because this is not the end, this is just a hard, beatable battle.... whatever it takes, I will go on, although I may die, faint, fall in the try, I won't stop... Because I may not reach my dream, but at least the world will know that a girl scorned and covered with scars still strove with her last ounce of courage to reach HER UNREACHABLE STAR!!!... Phantom's Lady*
ON MY OWN (Les Miserables)

And now I'm all alone again
nowhere to turn no one to go to.
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy with
the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head.

On my own
pretending he's beside me
all alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me
and when I lose my way I close my
eyes and he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind,
that I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him
But when the night is over
he is gone- the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere the
streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
all my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
a world that's full of happiness
that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
but only on my own