On my own...

I do not know what to write... I do not know what to believe anymore... I always get these mixed feelings about the whole situation... He has been writting things, things that do not longer look like a single man, or at least like a man who is not thinking of someone... things like "I never knew I could feel this way".. "Because forever reminds short for us"...

I heard a phrase which goes like: "I am crashed, like a bug in the grass", that is exactly how I feel, I like him, I am almost sure he is the one, my true love, the love of my life, but at the same time I feel on my own just pretending he is beside me... I do not understand he is not the kind of guy who says one thing and then he forgets it and says another one or goes with another girl and tells her the same, he is not like that, so I do not get what is happening... He did not tell me one day "Marry your brother!, I won't go on saying these things because you'll go with someone else and I'll be depressed" so the other day he wrote something like he is in love...
I would give everything to understand, to know the truth, but what can I do? Unfortunately... NOTHING... There is one thing I am sure... I will keep on fighting, bearing with UNBEARABLE sorrow, going, struggling, because this is not the end, this is just a hard, beatable battle.... whatever it takes, I will go on, although I may die, faint, fall in the try, I won't stop... Because I may not reach my dream, but at least the world will know that a girl scorned and covered with scars still strove with her last ounce of courage to reach HER UNREACHABLE STAR!!!... Phantom's Lady*
ON MY OWN (Les Miserables)

And now I'm all alone again
nowhere to turn no one to go to.
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
when everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy with
the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed and I can live inside my head.

On my own
pretending he's beside me
all alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me
and when I lose my way I close my
eyes and he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind,
that I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
still I say, there's a way for us.

I love him
But when the night is over
he is gone- the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere the
streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
all my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
a world that's full of happiness
that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
but only on my own

The same great story... Love & Music

Just told me he would happily marry Sierra Boggess and I was like…. ¬¬ yeah right! I would happily marry Tom Welling, Sean Faris & Nick Jonas too, what you do not know yet is that you will marry me someday… hahaha
Some weeks ago he lend me 3 Phantom of the Opera movie versions I had never seen before… 1925 Lon Chaney’s, 1943 Claude Rains’ & 1998 Julian Sands’… What can I say? I loved them so much! I watched the 5 movies in a row (including 1998 Englund’s & 2004 Buttler’s) What a PHANTOM Marathon! It does not matter the Phantom’s or Christine’s name, the place, the time, they always include the great aspects that make them be THE Phantom’s… Love & Music… If I had to order them from bad to good (none is bad, but I have to make a statement of which one I liked the most) this would be my order…

1943 Rains’…. “He was almost a stranger to me, and yet somehow I always felt drawn to him”
1998 Sands’…. “It is possible that without knowing anything about love I’ve fallen in love?”
1998 Englund’s…. “Now it’s just a matter of what you choose… Love, music they’re forever”
1925 Chaney’s ….” Since I first saw your face, this music has been singing to me of you and of love triumphant! “
2004 Buttler’s….”You alone can make my song take flight, help me make the music of the night”

These last days have been completely amazing, he has told me the same incredible things and even more, he misses me, and obviously I miss him as if I had lost a part of me… Not literally lost because we are still near and see each other but it feels like something is missing… Surely will it be a sign that it is not an obsession, that this is real… I cannot explain this feeling inside, I cannot put him from my mind, I think I am actually falling for him…
I have noticed that he is completely different with me than with other girls, he is much more caring, he hugs me every time we meet, we remember amazing things and talks we have shared, he says he is a jealous brother because of his sister’s suitors, we talk about many things, some are important some other make me laugh of how stupid they actually are…. I am supposed to be Russian and I am a vampire too, we convert each other, we cannot sleep, we want to appear telepathically on the other’s house, we are mad! But that is who I am, and I can be that stupid, smart, changing personality girl when I am with him, and guess what, he said he totally liked me that way! I just remembered a phrase from Samantha's Life After Phantom: Opera Erotica “I think the world of you and that will never change”. That phrase may explain everything he thinks of me. He also told me that being that enigmatic was what made me perfect for him, that he thought a lot of things about me, all good things, but he did not tell me… That may be good for me right?
I will stay like this, the more time passes the more I like him and the more soon I will tell him… Hopefully that time will arrive soon… “Somehow I know, this moment is waiting somewhere in time ...”

"...God never gives us more than we can bear"

Now has been a long time since I wrote that last entry... What can I say? We continue talking, he continues saying awesome things to me like: "Whoever becomes my brother in law will have found the perfect woman", "I don't know what I like the most; your cruelty or your enigmatic smile", "I prefer 5 minutes with you before dying than water in the desert", "Can you see that you are perfect? and you are also unique in a superlative way" and many, many beautiful things like these...
I truly have found my Phantom, I am almost sure he is the one to become my "one and only true love"...
I didn't write before because it's always the same story and also because I was on a trip while reading a novel... "Life After Phantom: Opera Erotica" by Samantha
The novel is about Erik, the Phantom, after renouncing to Christine when she went with Raoul, a different and unexpected ending to Erik's story. There are some awesome quotations that I would love to use in this entry...(The following quotes come from the novel by Samantha "Life Afer Phantom: Opera Erotica" )

"The daily pain of knowing he would never be with Christine was hard enough to endure"

"I am nothing more than an ignorant man trying to hold onto the woman of my dreams"

"Remember that God never gives us more than we can bear"

Those are just a little taste of the whole novel amazing phrases... They fit my story, totally, let me explain now...
I am sure Erik was feeling worse than bad when Christine (his true love) went with Raoul, I would not know what to do if something happened to my Phantom , who is not my "true love" yet, so Erik... poor Erik...
About holding onto your dreams, your dream love, suits me the best, I am willing to fight, willing to suffer, willing to bear with unbearable sorrow and willing to reach my dream... someday... I will be HIS one and only!
The last quote was such a reminder for me, as a believer... And I think it is true... God gives us what we are able to reach, although it may look impossible, just as mine, God makes us deal with it because he knows it is possible, he knows we can do it... So, in my case, it is difficult to become HIS love, but not impossible...
I will finish this entry with one of my Phantom's phrases, that I recently found out was from a Nat King Cole's song called "When I fall in love"

"When I fall in love, it will be forever; or I'll not fall in love..."

Phantom's Lady*

Something's starting right now...

We hugged, talked, hugged again, we had a picture taken together…I am talking to him right now… He said he adored me and about me he also said: “Like perfection personified?... Picture this; beautiful, intelligent, sportsgirl, ballerina, smiley, emo, “fresa” and PERFECT!!”… I am sure that I am falling, the question now is: Will he fall for me too? Will we find true love together?... A lot of things tell me that we will somehow be together but there are a few little obstacles though… We are many years apart but I believe that if I show myself just as I am, without pretending things, without masks, he will fall for me too… At least this is what he has said since I know him…

He feels something, I am sure, otherwise he would not say all those incredible and unbelievable things… He always says he likes my cheek dimples and my smile, he says he does care about me, he always listens to me, when we talk we always see directly into the other’s eyes… He said he adored his little sister (and he says he does not say that to many people), he would keep me in his house if I was alone, he loves bothering me (as he said... If I bother someone, that means I love him/her)... There has to be something waiting to grow into something bigger here…

"I don’t know how, I don't when but I know something’s starting right now, watch and you’ll see someday I’ll be… Part of his world!!" (The Little Mermaid)

I’m sure something is starting right now… About Raoul? Those 2 guys belong to the past, I was not falling, I did not really like any of them, I might find another Raoul in these years, but until then I will not think of anyone apart from my Phantom… He continues impressing me every single day; he has woken me up with texts twice until now, he alone can make my song take flight and THIS Music of the Night is not over yet!

"Ideals are not dreams, they are lifestyles..."

That's right, I will keep on going on, keep on trying to reach that unreachable star, because "I'll always feel no more than halfway real till I hear you sing.. once more!!!" (LND)... Phantom's Lady*

"Choices" are deceiving...Never give up

I really think I have fallen for MY Erik, he feels something too… He told me “Thank you”… “For what? ”… “For existing”… WOAH! I was totally in shock when he told me that… I’ll keep on fighting, no doubt, but there’s a little problem…
You see, I met these two guys (I’ll call them Raoul from now…), Raoul is my age and he is great, he’s one of my best friends and I care about him, he does too… I don’t know why but I think I’m starting to like him, maybe it’s because my love with “Erik” is banned right now or maybe because THE right time to tell Erik about my feelings is still a little bit far… (2 years from now…)

I believe that my out of this world man, my real passion and my “may become” true love is with Erik, but my earthbound caring and attraction (NOT love, for sure) is with Raoul, just as Christine I am in the middle and I don’t know what to do… Choices are sometimes deceiving... You have to make choices and as you choose, you renounce to many other possibilities...

•Choose ≈ Renounce • “Killing is choosing; one life over another” (Batman: The Dark Knight) … so…Living is renouncing; one person over another…

I know I prefer Erik a million times over Raoul, but I still feel something for Raoul… Waiting is difficult, very difficult. Do you ever feel you have made the wrong decision? What would have happened if you ever did it differently? It has happened to me, it is happening right now and if I give Raoul a shoot I may be unconsciously renouncing to Erik and of course I don’t want to do that… Erik is …HIM!! I mean, I haven’t met anyone like him and I don’t want to give up on trying…

“If I give up, I’ll not get up but if I keep on trying there’s hope” Nick Vujicic

Nick Vujicic is a living example of the Impossible dream he says: “Never, never give up”… I think I’ll do that, I’ll try to renounce to Raoul and think that “there’s always hope”… There’s the hope to find true love with Erik and you know what?... I’m NOT giving up!... Phantom’s Lady*

"Isn't there any Erik yet?"

I am feeling like writing here today...Like a week ago he asked me... "Isn't there any Erik in your life yet?" and I said "Only you..." ... Just kidding I answered "No, not yet :( "
A lot of things have changed a little bit... He is somehow diferent now from how he was on vacations, maybe that is normal, he can not be the same with everyone around... I am sure he feels something for me, not the same as the other girls, but not sure about what will he think when I finally tell him what I feel... I want to be his desired Christine (as he said)...
I wish I was 18 today so I could actually tell him... As I am not 18, I have to wait and see what happens with this feeeling, it may grow and turn into something stronger, it may run dry and stay just as an idea of my "perfect man"... I do not know, but he has totally changed my life; he has changed the way I think about everything, he has showed me that "thought" can lead you anywhere you want, can help you accomplish everything... He is just... HIM...

"Without ideals human evolution would be inexplicable"José Ingenieros

I will keep on dreaming my impossible dreams, and keep on trying when my arms are to weary to reach the unreachable star!! No doubt about it!!


I edited this picture, it is Christine (top left), Erik (bottom right), MY Erik (bottom left), Me, and some of my favorite Phantom quotations...(It has been labeled because if someone known sees this I would probably die...)
According to my obssesion with The Phantom of the Opera and all of that, there are some lyrics down here, Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote the song and it was actually used twice... once for "Learn to be Lonely" and the other one for "No one would listen" (I preffer the second one, sang by Gerard Buttler (Erik, The Phantom) because HE told me about it, was it a subliminal message? haha maybe...but it was a "bang" for both of us) Check them out! Thank you for reading... Phantom's Lady*

LEARN TO BE LONELY// NO ONE WOULD LISTEN
Child of the wilderness// Shamed into solitude
Born into emptiness// Shunned by the multitude
Learn to be lonely// I learned to listen
Learn to find your way in darkness//In my dark, my heart heard music
Who will be there for you, // I longed to teach the world
Comfort and care for you? // Rise up an reach the world
Learn to be lonely// No one would listen
Learn to be your one companion// I alone could hear the music
Never dreamed out in the world// Then at last a voice in the gloom
There are arms to hold you// Seemed to cry “I hear you”
You've always known // I hear your fears
Your heart was on its own //Your torment and your tears
So laugh in your loneliness // She saw my loneliness
Child of the wilderness// Shared in my emptiness
Learn to be lonely// No one would listen
Learn how to love life that is lived alone// No one but her heard as the outcast hears

Love Never Dies... Trauma

Amazing things have happened until now… Do you remember MY Phantom business?? Well He adopted me as his little sister, he told me that he cared about me, that I was special, that he had been missing me and many amazing and unbelievable things …

I really think that he feels something more than just … I can’t say it, as I said our relationship is banned in a certain way… I am the real me when we are together I have never pretended something I am not and I have no plans for doing that…
The “Love Never Dies” (LND from now) album was given me by my cousin, I have to say that it is a real TRAUMA or obssesion, however you want to call that... I lent the LND album to… him… he liked it a lot, it is kind of an obsession for both of us, we always talk about it, it has been like a strand for us because I think our bond is bigger now, and as I am his little sister now he says he is going to bring me THE PHANTOM when he goes to England, we continue joking every time we chat and we also talk about more serious things and aspects we both like… LND is mainly about that “hidden love” between Christine and Erik, that love that was real and remains as an important situation, because they actually have a son, the story is about how Erik confronts Christine again and their REAL LOVE sparkles and comes alive again and stronger than ever, maybe because of their son or maybe because they were meant to be with each other. LND is amazing just as the first Phantom (but indeed Phantom is way still better), Andrew Lloyd Webber is a music genius, an Angel of Music, and the lyrics and rhymes are also very good.
Erik was completely in love and obsessed with Christine, and I personally think that Christine had always wanted to be with him, but in the first part (The Phantom of the Opera, P.T.O.) she is scared and frightened by the passion of Erik’s love, that’s why she chose Raoul and in LND she finally sees that her true love was always Erik and at the end when Erik has finally reached what he had always been fighting for, Christine dies and it is all over except love, because love never dies…
He told me that Lloyd Webber used the main song of LND in another of his musicals and later he adapted it to fit the Phantom’s sequel, I already knew that but I had never listened to it, he also told me that the song LND was kind of a response for “The heart is slow to learn” (which was the first title for the composition). We can compare the lyrics down here and as you read them I would like you to choose your favorite or the one that fits you better…

The heart is slow to learn// Love never dies

The heart is slow to learn //Who knows when love begins?
The heart is slow to learn // Who knows what makes it start?
These feelings that I feel // One day it’s simply there
Are foolish but they’re real // Alive inside your heart
I'm wise enough to see this love will never be // It slips into your thoughts it infiltrates your soul
An each day is like the last when living in the past// It takes you by surprise, then ceases full control
I know it's mad and you won't return // Try to deny it and try to protest
But then as I have said //But love won’t let you go
The heart is slow to learn/ / Once you’ve been possessed
I'll never love as I have loved you //Love never dies, love never falters
Why is love cruel I wish I knew // Once it has spoken love is yours
Say what you will it doesn't matter // Love never fails, love never alters
Until I die there's only you // Hearts may get broken, love endures
Until I die there's only you // Hearts may get broken, love endures
The heart is slow to learn// And soon as you submit
The heart is slow to learn //Surrender flesh and bone
You'd think there would be a way // That love takes on a life
To shut out yesterday // Much bigger than your own
Perhaps if I just thought // It uses you at will
Of all the times we fought // It drives you to despair
I'd try to let us know there’s still no letting go // And forces you to feel more joy than you can bear
I know it's mad and you won't return // Love gives you pleasure and love brings you pain
But then as I have said the heat is slow to learn //And yet when both are gone, love will still remain
I'll never love as I have loved you //Love never dies, love never falters
Why is love cruel I wish I knew //Once it has spoken love is yours
Say what you will it doesn't matter // Love never dies, love never alters
Until I die there’s only you // Hearts may get broken, love endures
Until I die there’s only you//Hearts may get broken, love lives on

“The heart is…” is a little bit depressing don’t you think so? I prefer “LND”, but “The heart…” has got key points of the “love thing” going on, it says that you can only love one person (Until I die there’s only you) but I think that the real love is not “foolish” and “cruel” I believe that as “LND” says “It forces you to feel more joy than you can bear”, I really want to know the truth about love, this is my point of view so far I wish I could figure out the rest… I will wait until true love knocks to my door and I will open the door because if not my true love will cross the street and he will get run over by a trailer and his blood will rise up to my window and that would not be nice… I adore his sense of humor, he made up that hilarious story, he is just as sarcastic, sadistic and ironic as me, so that is great too…
LND has changed my point of view about what love is, I mean true love, and it has made our bond stronger, I am very happy in this moment but sometimes depression comes over here because the scholar period (yeah, I am a student) is close to finish. We are both obssesed with LND. I will write another time soon… Phantom’s Lady

P.S.: And come what may I SWEAR somehow, some way I’ll hear you sing once more!!!

MY Phantom business...

"Do you know what it is like to be sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old and be obsessed by just a sucession of gestures, moods, movements which together form that something that sometimes seems unreal and it is an actual person?" Carmen Laforet... I do! I acutally do!... I am falling in love with someone, with my Phantom and I truly can not help it... He is the most awesome man I have ever known, he is intelligent, clever, deep, sentimental, funny, a little big-headed hahaha, he is all I ever wanted, he is exactly the description of my perfect man. He knows who he is, or at least he wants to discover it with the "Super Man" idea of Nietzsche, all those things that he does take my breath away and the unbelievable part is that they come all naturally... His favourite quotation is Hegel's "Nothing great in the world has been acomplished without passion" as if it was his ideal or chimera in life (impressive don't you think?) , he is simply AMAZING!! The hilarious part is that he does not have an idea of my feelings about him... We always joke, chat, talk about each others lives and interests and we both love "The Phantom of the Opera", Andrew Lloyd Webber and Musicals stuff... I just told him about the world premiere of "Love never dies" and he was very excited and happy and he always laughs with me and we make future plans of our lives in London or in Paris, next to the Opera... I want to tell him what I feel but I can't... our love is kind of prohibited right now, though I am sure I will do it sooner or later... I will wait and find out if this feeling may turn into something further...TRUE LOVE for example...that's all for now...time crawls by... Phantom's Lady*


PS: "The impossible dream"'s lyrics from Man of La Mancha are down hear... do you dare to chase your dreams? do you dare to reach the unreachable star?

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly causeAnd I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly causeAnd I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star !!!

Phantom's Lady

well basically this first entry is for introducing myself and tell all of you some things... First of all, I don't have an idea of who the hell is going to read this blog, but I actually don't care a lot about that because I created this in order to express myself and all my ideas because twitter is no longer as private as it used to be and also because tweets can't be long... I wanna thank all of you who are reading this because although I may not know you this shows me that someone in the planet cares about me or at least likes what I write... Yeah, I'm Phantom's lady... Why?? Simple reasons... I LOVE the "phantom of the opera" (the book (by Gaston Leroux), the musical (by Andrew Lloyd Webber) and the movies!!) and LADY because HE is the only one who calls me like that...Lady... I want you to know that EVERYTHING I'm gonna write here from now, is going to be true, my deepest thoughts and feelings will lay down here and you'll be witnesses... Will write again very soon cause this was just an introduction...See you!!!... Phantom's lady*